In 2005, I think it was late summer, I was instantaneously delivered from a potentially deadly affliction that affected me for my entire life from high school up to that point, at age 41.
Due to the mostly subconscious reaction of anger (in response to extreme and prolonged psychological abuse so deep I didn’t understand it), I had become severely depressed without even knowing what was going on.
From age 14 to 41, 27 years, I suffered depression, often terrifying, sometimes feeling suicidal just to get out of the torment, often feeling indescribable emotional pain and appalling oppression.
I had been prescribed Lithium for about 20 years, on and off, and Zoloft, Prozac, Paxil, Seroquel (the devil), and many others.
I had 10 counselors, psychiatrists, psychologists and therapists try to help me with my depression. I was professionally diagnosed several times.
A psychiatrist at a clinic told me that I was intelligent (I have an I.Q. of 131), but that there was no hope for my condition. It was genetic. Twin studies proved it.
I had the medical model foisted on me by those who make their living by that kind of thing, but essentially it all came down to anger and unforgiveness causing a terrifying amount of pain due to the abuse that I had suffered.
Around the time I was moving from Arizona back to Colorado, I had an extreme amount of depression due to reconnecting with one of my abusers. I reconnected with that person because my rational mind did not want to believe that what had happened to me was that bad.
One day, after a few weeks of intensified suffering, I experienced a spike of pain, depressive pain, painful and terrifying, excruciating and intolerable extreme pain, far beyond my ability to describe. I know of no words to effectively convey the excruciating agony of that moment. It was by far the most painful moment of my entire life when it spiked. It was terrible, and then it spiked beyond my imagination of what it was possible to experience or endure.
I had heard the Third Day song, “Cry Out to Jesus” which was popular at the time. I had never really “cried out to Jesus” so to speak, I would just pray.
But I cried out to Jesus in that moment, lying on that mattress, with my hand, with my arm, in the air: “Jesus help me!”
The spike of pain was so excruciating that I couldn’t even imagine living with that pain. I would’ve killed myself in a moment of insanity just to get out of that pain had it continued, and I knew it.
So after suffering, and battling, and seeing doctors, and enduring, and being on medications for 27 years, being held back in life, being deterred and delayed in many ways by the pain of sometimes suicidal depression, in one moment, after crying out to Jesus, the pain was gone.
Completely and instantly and permanently.
The depression never came back.
It has been almost twelve years now.
For about a year, the depression ~tried~ to come back, I estimate around 400 times, but it never could. It was like a terrifying black cloud that was coming toward me.
God made it very clear to my conscience that I was to forgive everyone of everything, continually, 100%. When I did, the distant terrifying cloud receded, and the depression disappeared, immediately and completely.
Finally, after that one year, apparently the depression gave up and never even tried to come back.
From the moment of my healing by Jesus, I have never been clinically depressed ever again. (Normal ups and downs, of course, but I have never again returned to my former awful condition.)
People who do not live near me may not be aware of the total change in me.
It was a divine miracle of healing and deliverance given to me in Jesus’ Name.
The last eleven years have been the happiest of my life, with the possible exception of young childhood up till age 12.
The amazing thing about the experience of being depressed is that a person can often act their way to an appearance of normalcy. A person can tell jokes. A person can seem happy, and sometimes they are, but they are not, deep underneath. Their external appearance and demeanor is not necessarily an indicator of what is truly going on.
One of the craziest and most unusual things about being depressed is that in a moment of deep pain, I would look at myself in the mirror and my facial expression simply did not at all convey what I was feeling and experiencing: I looked fine.
It was surreal.
So, to this day, I do not fake my emotions. I despise that. I can be civil and professional on the job, but I don’t pretend to be in a mood I am not in.
As with the few other extraordinary experiences I have had in my lifetime, of course there is far more to every story than I am relating here. Sometimes I simply eliminate names to protect the guilty. Other times, due to the extremely personal nature of the event, I will give just the basic details. You’ll notice that I don’t always explain the reasons for everything, nor do I always give all of the relevant details. But I do not distort what actually happened.
So if any of the stories of my life resonate with you, or if you would like to know more, or if you’d like to have a conversation, please feel free to contact me through the Reply space.
“Cry Out To Jesus,” by Third Day
To everyone who’s lost someone they love
Long before it was their time
You feel like the days you had were not enough
When you said goodbye
And to all of the people with burdens and pains
Keeping you back from your life
You believe that there’s nothing and there is no one
Who can make it right
There is hope for the helpless
Rest for the weary
Love for the broken heart
There is grace and forgiveness
Mercy and healing
He’ll meet you wherever you are
Cry out to Jesus, Cry out to Jesus
For the marriage that’s struggling just to hang on
They lost all of their faith in love
They’ve done all they can to make it right again
Still it’s not enough
For the ones who can’t break the addictions and chains
You try to give up but you come back again
Just remember that you’re not alone in your shame
And your suffering
When your lonely
And it feels like the whole world is falling on you
You just reach out, you just cry out to Jesus
Cry to Jesus
To the widow who struggles with being alone
Wiping the tears from her eyes
For the children around the world without a home
Say a prayer tonight
Songwriters: BRAD AVERY, DAVID CARR, MAC POWELL, MARK LEE, TAI ANDERSON
© CAPITOL CHRISTIAN MUSIC GROUP
For non-commercial use only.
Data from: LyricFind